Frustration

Sorry for no updates recently, just been very busy. So as some of you know David and I are trying again this month with round two of IUI. I had my first follow-up sonogram today. All week I've been stressing because I was suppose to go out of town on Friday on business, however, the doctors were thinking I would have to have my IUI this weekend. So long story short but I had to cancel my registration for my conference in order to be available for the IUI or sonogram. Well at my appointment today I got news I really didn't want to hear. I have Zero follicles forming!!! ZEROOOOO! The doctor told me not to be discouraged and they would see me on Monday in hopes that I'm just developing later this month. Monday! I could have gone to the conference were I would have been able to see old friends, hang out with my coworkers, and not think of all this crap. But, no, now I get to sit at home and stress all weekend about the what if's and whys. Why are my follicles not developing this month? What happens if nothing happens this month? My doctor said this happens, it is not uncommon. Especially since I was HIGHLY irregular when I was having cycles so sometimes this happens. But when you are throwing money at this, this is the last thing you want to hear.

I know there is a reason and a plan in all this and I am trying to be obedient and patient knowing all this, but I hit the wall this afternoon. Thank God for my sweet Mother who allowed me to vent and cry to her on my drive home. Through both our tears she stayed strong for me and gave me encouragement. She even offered to come down here this weekend and keep me busy, go to the COACH store with me. (ha ha she knows me so well!) 

The Lord is testing me extremely hard and I don't understand why. There are things that woman think and question when they have difficulty with conception. Things that nobody else can understand unless they have been there.  You often wonder: What the heck did I do to deserve this? Why when we are trying so hard do I have to be surrounded by pregnant woman? How can attempting to have a baby through IUI/IVF be just as difficult as adoption, neither route is easy or inexpensive. Why do woman who have difficulty financially providing for themselves, live off the government, drug addicts, alcoholics be blessed time and time again with children but those that have their life together, happily married, financially sound not be blessed with the same gift? You start questioning every decision you have made in the past because maybe you didn't choose the right direction and this is his way of telling you that. I wish I could sit down with the Lord and ask these questions, but I know this is not possible and I know he doesn't owe me any answers. I know these feelings are ok, the Lord is not upset at my frustration and questions because even though right now I am highly frustrated and emotionally drained, I know in my heart (at least I hope and pray) that one day he will bless us too. So this afternoon I am having a weak moment because of frustration at all this.