Frustration

Sorry for no updates recently, just been very busy. So as some of you know David and I are trying again this month with round two of IUI. I had my first follow-up sonogram today. All week I've been stressing because I was suppose to go out of town on Friday on business, however, the doctors were thinking I would have to have my IUI this weekend. So long story short but I had to cancel my registration for my conference in order to be available for the IUI or sonogram. Well at my appointment today I got news I really didn't want to hear. I have Zero follicles forming!!! ZEROOOOO! The doctor told me not to be discouraged and they would see me on Monday in hopes that I'm just developing later this month. Monday! I could have gone to the conference were I would have been able to see old friends, hang out with my coworkers, and not think of all this crap. But, no, now I get to sit at home and stress all weekend about the what if's and whys. Why are my follicles not developing this month? What happens if nothing happens this month? My doctor said this happens, it is not uncommon. Especially since I was HIGHLY irregular when I was having cycles so sometimes this happens. But when you are throwing money at this, this is the last thing you want to hear.

I know there is a reason and a plan in all this and I am trying to be obedient and patient knowing all this, but I hit the wall this afternoon. Thank God for my sweet Mother who allowed me to vent and cry to her on my drive home. Through both our tears she stayed strong for me and gave me encouragement. She even offered to come down here this weekend and keep me busy, go to the COACH store with me. (ha ha she knows me so well!) 

The Lord is testing me extremely hard and I don't understand why. There are things that woman think and question when they have difficulty with conception. Things that nobody else can understand unless they have been there.  You often wonder: What the heck did I do to deserve this? Why when we are trying so hard do I have to be surrounded by pregnant woman? How can attempting to have a baby through IUI/IVF be just as difficult as adoption, neither route is easy or inexpensive. Why do woman who have difficulty financially providing for themselves, live off the government, drug addicts, alcoholics be blessed time and time again with children but those that have their life together, happily married, financially sound not be blessed with the same gift? You start questioning every decision you have made in the past because maybe you didn't choose the right direction and this is his way of telling you that. I wish I could sit down with the Lord and ask these questions, but I know this is not possible and I know he doesn't owe me any answers. I know these feelings are ok, the Lord is not upset at my frustration and questions because even though right now I am highly frustrated and emotionally drained, I know in my heart (at least I hope and pray) that one day he will bless us too. So this afternoon I am having a weak moment because of frustration at all this.

Moving Forward

Well as most of you know, we did not get the news we were hoping for on Wednesday. From that point life has moved on. Thursday was a lot easier than I expected it to be. I could talk about the results without crying to some friends, they hugged me and I wouldn't burst into tears, I was fine.........right? Well I sure thought so until I was up watching some television on Friday night after Dave had left for work. I was catching up on Parenthood and one of the couples on the show has been going through an adoption process this season because the wife had found out she could not conceive a second child. Well one of the episodes I watched she was about to get the baby, she was there for the birth, she gets to hold her future son, she goes to get her family to come meet the baby and bring him home with them and then walks in on the babies mother rocking him in the nursery. She knows in that second that baby is no longer hers, that mother is keeping her child. She has to be the rock, turn her husband and daughter away as they get off the elevator, than she collapses and as this happens I loose it. The tears come rolling, the emotions hit me smack in the gut, and I'm a wreck. After I calm down I continue watching the next episode. By the end of the episode they have packed up the nursery and they are getting a young boy that needs a home right then. I can only assume they will foster the child in hopes to adopt. Anyhow long summary short, I watched that and just felt like the Lord was telling me "I have a plan, it will happen, do not worry" Does this mean I won't cry again, that I won't get frustrated. not at all, I'm only human. 

Life is hard right now when all you see and hear are pregnancies and babies. Especially right now, most of our friends our age are starting and extending their families. It can be hard but melts my heart with joy as well. It's also challenging because I take care of little 1 year olds at church every Sunday. I have to get my baby need urges met somewhere. Love my 1 year olds and all my friends sweet ones. I love planning baby showers, I love bursting for joy at our friends pregnancy announcements....maybe I'm a tad messed up. ha ha What hurts me most personally, brings me so much joy for others.

I can only try to remain strong and keep moving forward. If I sit and overwhelm myself with the why us, why me B.S. of life then I would never get anywhere. Yes it sucks, Yes I'm flustered, but I know in my heart this will happen. I know the Lord has great things in store for me. I have heard the following statement over and over these past few days "Good things come to those that wait." I love this and every time I hear it an inner peace fills me. I know the Lord has a plan, I have my own stresses about finances (IUI isn't cheap) and Murphy's Law has kicked us hard this month, but I have to release those concerns and give them to the Lord. I know HE will take care of us. I just have to keep moving forward!

Results

I was told the results would come in at 3pm. My stomach was in knots all day, I tried to nap because I was exhausted but couldn't sleep because my mind wouldn't shut off. Went to my eye doctor appointment at 2pm. Left there at 3pm and still nothing. No big deal, though maybe 4. But 4pm came and went, 4:30 came and went, as we approached 5 I started getting nervous. Why would they wait, why would I wait to call someone? bad news right? so of course I start thinking the worst. At 5pm I call and make sure they have the right number because maybe they called Joe Bob and he's confused, but no surprise they are already close, so I leave a message. I went and woke up Dave because I was getting flustered and needed him up...I was also starving. :) Once I start cooking dinner the phone rings.

My heart stops and I brace myself as I'm chopping up the meat in the skillet for our spaghetti. And the dreaded words I feared come out of her mouth: "I have bad news, I'm sorry to say it didn't work this time" I think she was bracing herself for a complete break down, emotional woman. I held it together, thanked her, asked a few questions, and then hung up. Then the tough girl act came crashing down. Luckily my sweet husband was right there to catch me and let me cry. So throughout cooking dinner I'm crying....who knows how many tears landed in the sauce. I probably cried several times within the 15 minutes of cooking. I am fine, seriously, but can't a girl cry? I knew the chances were small that it would work the first time, but all the symptoms, the exhaustion....I knew it could be the pills and it was, but that small amount of hope was there. I know in my heart this will happen and I know God has a plan, but I can still be sad. So if you are around me and I start crying, don't be surprised, don't freak out, I promise I'll be fine. My wonderful mother called and cheered me up and gave me a lot of encouragement. I love you mom! 

I know many of you, as well as myself, had high hopes. This isn't the end, we will try again. Nothing a shot of vodka and a glass or two of wine can't soften. Don't judge! ;) Also The Big Bang Theory and Whitney sure did help to make me laugh. I would only ask to keep the prayers coming guys. God has a plan and as much as I may not know HIS timing or reasoning, HE does and I will continue to be strong, faithful, and follow his path.

Big Day Tomorrow!

Well the big day is tomorrow!!! One little test could change our lives, hopefully for the best!. I'm hopeful and praying about it. I know it is all in God's timing. I also did notice that many of the symptoms I am having which are also pregnancy symptoms are side effects to the prometrium that I am taking. So it could go either way. I also found out I have an allergic reaction to prometrium, so now trying it orally but I think they are going ot have to put me on something different because I'm starting to feel icky again.

I know many of you are VERY excited to know the results, however, David and I have decided on a system. If (God willing) we find out we are pregnant the only people that will get a call will be our parents, possibly siblings. Since we've been told multiple tests will be run over the next few weeks we do not want to tell everyone before we get clearance to go to an OB....if even then. My fear is to spread the excitement and then something happen and having to go back and say "just kidding". I'm not superstitous that if I tell I will miscarry because I think thats bologne. I feel the Lord already knows when and how many children we are going to have, HE knows their birthdates, HE knows their names, HE knows what they look like. He knows if this is our time or not and sharing my news isn't going to "change" his mind, because it's already set. However, I'd rather play it safe and not have to track everyone down if what I know is possible happens. So we will only tell our parents tomorrow. After the second test we will tell grandparents and all immediate family. Then whenever the final test is done we will start sharing with very close friends and coworkers. I am still debating on waiting to tell all of you until either A. I get through the first trimester or B. once I have my first visit with the OBGYN. This is something we still have to decide on and see how long I can keep my excitment in. I'm pretty bad at keeping my own personal secrets because I'm not a good liar but I sure will try ;). We want to make sure we make it all the way through the tests and that all is going the way it is supposed to.

If the test comes back negative then I will let you all know within a day or two.

Please say a prayer for us tomorrow. I would greatly appreciate it! :)

PS: no news is good news ;) if you don't hear anything please please continue to pray we continue to get good news :)

Fabulous Friends!

I want to personally thank all of my amazing, wonderful friends. I sure am blessed! I love how some of you are just as excited (literally) with me about this entire process. I love how I have some of you that have been so optimistic and taken on all that excitement for me since I am not wanting to get overly excited yet. I think these 2 weeks are killing ya'll as much as it is me. :) I love how some of you are protective, guarding my heart from disappointment and are so excited but are with me in knowing that that test could read negative, that everything I'm experiencing could be due to hormones. I need both type of friends to keep me sane. The optimistic group keeps me pumped up and hopeful, the other group keeps me grounded. Ya'll seriously rock! Thanks for checking on me and sending me motivation through this past week, I greatly appreciate it all!

So this week I have been experiencing several things. The 2 most prominent things are my level of exhaustion which has really hit me just this week and the number of bathroom visits. I've been going to sleep by 9-10pm every night...which may be late for some but this is early for me. I don't typically go to sleep until midnight. I don't get tired until 11-11:30, so this has been a big change. Since Wednesday I come home and could literally go to sleep right then and did take a nap today when I got home. The bathroom visits are increasing. Been waking up the past 2 nights 2-3 times in a night. I always drink water before bed and never have had to get up out of bed, can sleep all night without getting up. However, now that has changed. There have been a few other things off and on that have occurred. I have talked to my doctor because I honestly thought it was to soon to be feeling any kind of symptoms...it hadn't even been a week when the first few things started. So I called thinking it was a side effect of the progesterone that I started to take last Friday night. However, the nurse told me that it is not common to have those things as side effects to the medicine (not saying though that it isn't the medicine, it very well could be). Now it could also be pregnancy symptoms and did sound like them to her HOWEVER it could also be my body's response to all the hormone changes and everything else my body has gone through over the past month. She did say it is not too soon to experience symptoms, that we are all different, and it is possible.

So we continue to wait, hope, and pray.

Find the Egg!!

On Wednesday we did the IUI. Alright, so everyone told me it was a tad uncomfortable but not painful. HA I should know I would be different. So my doctor tells me I have a "different" (aka difficult, stupid) cervix....... of course I do, why would I not! All I could do was laugh through the pain because seriously my body can do NOTHING normal. lol After the process was done I returned to work. However, was experiencing a weird pressure, uncomfortable feeling around where my ovaries are. Any bump or quick movement sent an uncomfortable jab to the ovary area. Several people told me that it was probably me ovulating. My doctor did say that Wednesday afternoon is when I should ovulate but this uncomfortable feeling lasted from 10:30am-6pm. It was very weird but since I have NEVER ovulated I don't have anything to compare to. My girlfriends say it's ovulation....which I totally hope they are right! I laid in bed all afternoon watching tv and "taking it easy". I will return to the doctor in 2 weeks to have a pregnancy test done. Praying the sperm ad egg find each other, meet, and get the business done. I've been giving a few cheers for the sperm to find the egg...find the egg sperm find the egg!! :) Ha Ha I'm not weird or anything ;) But really sperm find the egg!!